Growing up?

It’s so strange to see our generation turn from children to adults.  Having babies, getting married, becoming aunts and uncles.. the very people we used to (and most likely still) look up to.  We have some shoes to fill, and yet we don’t completely live in the expectations of the next generations but create new ways of life for ourselves.

Growing up is surreal.  To think of my childhood as something that’s gone by isn’t something I’ve ever expected to happen.  But it has.  I’m now that person who says, “Ah, I remember when I was your age…” and ramble on with some useless story that makes no sense.   I’ve assumed new roles that I didn’t want, or didn’t expect.  Worrying about money and jobs is for adults, oh wait…  Childhood friends still exist, but they’re grown ups too.  It’s odd for them to exist outside of your memory, and when you see them again it startles you even though you aren’t 12 anymore either.

Growing up isn’t easy.  You face that childhood innocence and realize that it is innocence, and not simply the way the world is.  And it takes you several years to deal with that fact.  Your parents and grandparents are in fact normal people who make mistakes, which is unsettling.   In the face of this newfound knowledge, you assume it’s all the knowledge you’ll ever need and refuse the wise words you used to take so to heart.  I suppose that’s why adolescence isn’t easy for adults either.

I used to tell Brian and DJ that I’d never stop wanting to play with them, and I’d never be like a grown up.  Except I am now.  I am far away from them with my own house and life.  Isabelle thought I’d be moving back home when college was over, and was of course disappointed when it didn’t happen.  How can I explain to them what they will eventually grow up and understand?  Yet I don’t want to rush them, oh never.  Brian is already losing his youth to adolescence and that great confusing age which lasts too damn long while your in it, but seems as if it’s gone by in a wink when you’re out of it.  None of them need any help growing up, as some of us had.  Even if I say they should stay babies forever I don’t truly wish that.  I wish for them to experience life as I did, and grow and change in new and wonderful ways.  Discovering yourself and who you might be is the best part of “growing up”, or it could be the worst part, depending on how you go about it I suppose.

I guess being a grown up is ok, because it means you can make your own decisions (and hope they’re good ones), figure out what you want and do it, and drink milk out of the jug if you damn well please.  It means you can fall in love and be with that person if you both want… but then that love part really sucks sometimes too.  You use all that knowledge you gained in adolescence to figure out how to take care of yourself.  And when you really hate your job that you only have because it pays your bills (mostly), you think about that innocence you once possessed and learned about and wish you could have it back.  But then, I suppose that’s why people have babies, to see and feel it all over again.

To a day of youth,



From way back

So I decided to check out some cds with my shiny new Brookings Public Library card and found myself being nostalgic.  What did I bring home?  Oh, just some old country stuff and N’SYNC!  Hahahaha.  Don’t we all miss the days when Justin had a curly fro???  And when my walls were plastered with these boys’ faces (well, not actually plastered… they might have stayed up better if I had used plaster instead of poster putty >.<).  I had a whole corner of my room devoted to my favorite N’Sync member, Chris!  And I was playing it in the same room as my boyfriend and he gave me the most pained look.  I was uber amused.  Anyways, I’ve come to the conclusion (as I had before when I stopped listening to them) that it really isn’t good music.  But it makes me laugh so it’s worth having on my computer.

There is, however, one song I do still enjoy of theirs.  On a different YouTube video than the one I included (because of the screaming concert girls and the camera’s need to concentrate only on Justin (andjoey) D:<) Justin was explaining how it was the first song they ever sang together, which is pretty cool.  I think it might be the only one which actually exhibits musical talent instead of catering to entertaining demands (from the screaming fangirls *eyeroll* <you used to be one of them!> *shut up inner voices!*)….

A former (maybe a little bit inside) fangirl~



Portraits of no one.

A skeptical glance?

I’ve been drawing/painting these.  I actually made up a whole drawing pad (8×12) with little square patches of color on each page, but I picked the wrong color for the majority.  Not this beautiful green, but another lovely color which simply is too dark for the effect I was going for.  I did make it work a couple times, as in the one below, but it requires a different process to make the marks visible.  Pencil isn’t as useful on this red.


These aren’t anyone specifically, as usual.  I like to invent people.  But I’m not shying away from real person influences.  Some of them may look like people I know.  I’ve realized that when I simply invent onto the page/canvas/computer/whatever all the people have the same face.  And though I enjoy having a recognizable style, I’d like to avoid drawing clones or siblings all the time.  I think this project is mostly trying to highlight uniqueness and body modification.  I read this interesting blog about body mods and though most of it is unnecessary and sometimes frightening (to me) it’s also often inspiring.  The question is always posed: why?  Why do that to your body?  And to that I answer, why not?  Humans are creatures of curiosity and imagination, and what could be a more accessible vessel of expressing this than our own bodies?  Not an opinion widely shared, I’m sure, but I like it anyways.

[Here’s a detail of the first.  Out of order, I know.  Deal with it.]


With the art thing, I guess I had to sit down and evaluate what I wanted to do.  I could very well get into a gallery, but I’m not incredibly enthusiastic about that right now.  I’ve always been praised for my semi realistic style, so I thought I’d indulge myself.  I could probably go on and on with these, and I don’t really care where they end up.  Instead of striving towards the contemporary and unexpected (which is impossible), I’d rather just do something.  I’m just enjoying the experimentation with materials and the finished products staring back at me.  Art is supposed to be fun, right?

Oh, and I finally buckled down and began properly photographing my work from this summer and beyond, so hopefully I’ll have those on here soon.  I shall attempt to keep up from now on, even if it is a bother.

As Alton Brown would say:  I’ve survived to create another day.  I could still be the next Iron Chef!  Oh wait…



Sometimes I try too hard, sometimes not enough.  But no matter what it all seems to come to nothing but mediocrity and failure.  Whatever purpose I’m here to fulfill I must not be contributing to it now.


Getting ready for WINTER.. x(

Pay no attention to the effed up stiches in the front... 0.o

They were fun to make anyways 🙂

First time I’ve been remotely successful at something complicated (for me).  Got the hat pattern here at one of my favorite knitting websites and the easy mitten pattern here which I found via Google, and which appears to have other good patterns that I’ll have to check out.  So the moral of the story is:  the good thing about winter where it’s very cold is that you have excuses to knit awesome stuff.




Church of the Apocolypse?

Sounds ominous.

Ominous indeed.

This was inspired by my walk the other day bringing me past 2 churches across the street from each other, one called “First Lutheran…” and the other “First Presbyterian..”.  Now, where do these churches get the idea that they could possibly be the first of anything?  It just confuses me.  And we were also driving by another church which bore the claim of “Free” in front of its denomination.  As if it’s assumed that you would have to pay if the declaration of free was not made?  As Eddie puts it, “…the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians…”  etc and so on.  It’s just silly.  It’s another device to divide His people further and dig themselves deeper into titles and rituals.  Neither of which Jesus requires for worshiping him.  (Thank goodness.)

So in conclusion, ladies and jellyspoons, I’ll encourage you to come down to Last Lutheran this Sunday.  We’re over on the left as you leave town.  We probably won’t be the first place you’ll think of going… and probably the last place you wanna be.  But when all those other churches are going down, I promise we’ll be the last one standing.

Ciao ciao –



Bible and Alcohol

With routines I will master my lethargy.  With alcohol we begin to overcome emotional walls.

My routine involves reading the bible for 10 minutes (at least) every day.  However, I read wherever I feel compelled to.  If I’m too constrained by routine it becomes mediocre and tedious, which then causes me to discontinue what is good for me.  I did the Bible reading thing 4 days in a row, and I’ll do it again this week.  I hope it’s something I can keep up, because God always reveals things to me, one way or another, when I read his book.

Of course alcohol loosens inhibitions, and depending on the person drinking and one’s surroundings it may be an unfortunate situation.  For this reason (and obvious health concerns) I’ve always been hesitant to drink very often.  Oh, and it’s expensive.  With these things still withstanding, I still probably won’t drink very much as I’d rather spend hard earned money on art supplies rent.  But… what about the elaborate matrices we construct in our heads which prevent us from talking about things with people we care about?  Booze was my solution this weekend, and I think it will pay off.  I look at it as a jumping off point, in hopes that I won’t continue to hold my feelings inside and stop twisting things around in my head, which is apparently a girl thing.  I guess there isn’t much of a point to this paragraph, since my position on alcohol consumption isn’t that political or passionate.  I’m just disguising my personal shit I’m sharing on le interwebs>:D

Oh!  Also I’ve realized that I don’t drink very much because I don’t need alcohol to calm me down after a bad day or to have a good time.  It isn’t my solution to anything.  It’s just there, and I drink it sometimes because being drunk is hilarious to me.  And it makes me talk a lot.  If you haven’t, you should drink with me sometime, it is pretty fun.

In other personal!news, I am a happy nerdy artist girl who loves her irritating adorable nerdy boy.  Here’s to making that last for a long time!

On that note..